The 10 finest methods to win your fantasy soccer matchup

The sheer number of things that give us happiness in life is immense. Are you having trouble thinking of some? I have a list for you:

  • Finding $ 20 in an old pair of jeans.
  • Drive into the destination parking lot just as a car pulls out in the first row.
  • Tap a six-iron from 180 yards to within four inches of the hole.
  • Puppies. Literally all puppies.

The myriad nature of these bringers of joy extends to the fantasy football world, where a win may just be an overall win, but these Ws come in so many forms.

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Here is my list of the 10 best ways to win your fantasy football matchup.

10. The win “Your opponent really didn’t try”
Most commissioners try to keep their leagues competitive, but it seems like most setups have a manager or two who just don’t bother showing off. You know them. Usually they pull a Matt Millen on the draft and have three quarterbacks, three tight ends, two receivers, one linebacker (this isn’t even an IDP league, man!), One player who definitely won’t play a single take of professional football and one Score of F– (-23 out of 100) on post-draft analysis.

Through week 4, this manager’s “team” is similar to what an NFL expansion plan would look like if each team had to protect 50 players at a time. And guess who he or she will face in week 5! There’s no way you can lose this matchup so you might have some fun with it. Start Tim Tebow. Leave your quarterback (s) on the bench. Start players with only a Z in their name. It doesn’t matter – you’re driving to this W. in the least satisfactory way.

9. Win the “90s Heat-Knicks”
If you’re unfamiliar with the ’90s Heat-Knicks NBA rivalry, here’s a TikTok-length roundup:

  • Both teams hated each other more than they hated anything in their lives.
  • In the midst of all the hate, nobody cared about getting actual points.

Seriously, these teams played a handful of games with neither side scoring more than 80 points. And those were playoff games! Imagine paying $ 2.5 million for a court seat at Madison Square Garden only to have to sit through a 77-73 snoozer. Spike Lee deserves so much better.

All of this means that low-score matchups just aren’t fun. Sure, you enjoy the dub, but can you really enjoy it?

8. Gaining “Last-Minute Scoring Change”
These victories are rare, but they do happen. And while it’s certainly satisfying to be on the right end of a stats-corrective win, I can’t rate it higher because let’s face it, you’ve spent the last three days chewing glasses because you lost because the league Did Not Do This Immediately Credit Your Alvin Kamara Eight Yard Rush Or Your Aaron Donald Sack.

It’s like ordering a fucking soda stream on Amazon only to delay it for three weeks. Okay, eventually you can make delicious carbonated beverages at a fraction of the price of the store-bought version with little compromise in overall taste, but you’ll be a lot less happy than you should when it finally arrives.

Even so, it’s better than being at the other end of a decision to change your rating. Uff.

7. The win “Could have been much better”
Let’s face it: you don’t just want to assert yourself in your fantasy football matches. You want to win so decisively; Your opponent will tell his disinterested grandchildren about it 50 years from now. So if you leave massive performances on your bank, it will stand out (whether you win or lose).

This is how the Harlem Globetrotters must have felt after beating the Washington Generals. “Man,” I imagine Meadowlark Lemon would say to Hubert “Geese” Ausbie, “We took the win, but I really should have done more wagon wheel layups and 50 foot moves while on the shoulders of the Referee stood. There was no way the game should have been so tight. “

6. The profit “Lead by a lot, win by a little”
How many of us have been in this position before?

Sunday
1:45 p.m. ET: Matt Ryan’s second TD pass to Calvin Ridley puts you 45-7 ahead. KIND.
2:30 p.m. ET: A Dalvin Cook TD extends your advantage to 79-20. You’re looking forward to your next matchup.
4 p.m. ET: Justin Tucker’s game-winning field goal gets you 101-35. The mockery begins!
5:30 p.m. ET: Tom Brady finds Mike Evans and your lead has dropped to 114-64. Just a flesh wound.
7:15 p.m. ET: Jerkface Keenan Allen scores AGAIN, and that edge is now only 120-91. Queasy.
9:30 p.m. ET: “HOW in the WORLD was Tyreek so wide open ???” you ask. You think about ending the fantasy entirely.

Monday
8:15 p.m. ET: You need George Kittle to get less than 17 points. You tweet him to PLEASE score less than 17 points. No Answer.
9 p.m. ET: Kittle already has 11 points because the Seahawks Defense hates you.
10 p.m. ET: “THAT WAS NOT A CATCH”, yell and wake your children emphatically. They throw a half-eaten plate of nachos on the wall.
11 p.m. ET: Kittle drops a pass in the end zone, Seattle is running out and you win by 0.3 points. They celebrate by vomiting.

Yes, this is probably not the funnest way to win a fantasy matchup.

5. The “Nail Every Coin Flip” prize
Trying to decide between two players with similar profiles or projections is like disarming a bomb when hundreds of bomb disarming scenes have taught us something (they taught us one thing: you should always carry a pair of pliers around with you, just in case). . Make the right call and you are a hero. Pick the wrong one and fantasy football will go completely joyless as I imagine it would feel like being blown into 400,000 tiny pieces.

From time to time fantasy managers have a week of multiple coin tosses and meeting them all. And that, my friends, is a special feeling that is only surpassed by the four upcoming items on this list. It’s the fantasy equivalent of a parlay that consists of -110 bets – just instead of winning tens of thousands of dollars, you win your fantasy matchup! (Okay, not the best example.)

4. The “Bye Weeks have nothing to do with me” win
Try to spread out these bye weeks as you see fit (and the majority of fantasy experts will tell you not to bother with that). You will inevitably end up with a matchup where you are understaffed. It’s like buying a box of Celebrations chocolates: no matter how you ration everything, there will eventually be a lot of bounty left over. And that’s not great, Bob.

So just imagine how excited you are when you build muscle through those heavy bye-week absences and still achieve a victory. Whether you’ve blown up the performance of your active players or a major disappointment from your opponent with your dexterous maneuvering waivers, winning on your worst bye week is a huge joy maker. Much like any other candy bar other than Bounty.

3. The win “Revenge is Sweet Like (Non-Bounty) Candy”
If you ever need a lesson in how to get revenge, just watch a Sylvester Stallone movie. Seriously, any of his 350 films will do it. They all follow this general order: someone is doing something to harm Stallone, their family, friends, or pets. Stallone grunts and says some incomprehensible things (thank god for subtitles!), There are montages of running or hitting or shooting, and finally Stallone gets his revenge (and looks very, very tired in the end.)

Fantasy revenge is something like that, except for pretty much everything. It’s rare for managers to have the opportunity to avenge an earlier loss – but when that moment shows there is something sensationally satisfying (probably because the rematch has much higher stakes since it happens so much later in the season). The trash talk potential is through the roof here; Just make sure your opponent doesn’t have a decent right hook as you will likely look a lot more punchy than you did before you won.

2. The “Super Bowl LI” win (aka “The ‘It Was 28-3’ Win”)
I’ve already talked about how nerve-wracking it can be to build a huge early fantasy lead and then watch your opponent use a blowtorch for the next 30 (mostly miserable) hours. This is the exact opposite of that – and the feeling couldn’t be more different, at least for most fantasy managers.

It’s like you’re in last place in the final round of Mario Kart when the game gives you the really cute things like exploding tracker clams or multiple super speed mushrooms and you slip past one sucker at a time, until you are directly behind the guide on the last stretch. (By the way, if you’ve never played Mario Kart, don’t waste any more time and do it!) Bringing this cute game forward on Monday night is like a green turtle shell on the leader’s exhaust pipe. Get on the podium, baby Luigi. You managed.

1. Winning Mortal Kombat Flawless Victory
A royal flush.

A hole-in-one.

From a distance of 40 feet or more, flip a bottle cap onto the bottle from which it was removed.

What do these things have in common? They all exemplify perfection in their respective disciplines – and reaching such greatness is so rare that it must be enjoyed through detailed and repeated narration, even if your husband or wife complains that you’ve shared this stupid story a thousand times.

The perfect fantasy football win is the rarest of these achievements. You not only have to win your matchup, but also convincingly enough that your league colleagues can only express their amazement through acronyms (e.g. OMG, LOL, WTF). The perfect fantasy win also requires the highest score in your league this season, preferably paired with a particularly poor performance by your opponent. If you’ve ever won by more than 100 points (against a manager who actually tries, of course), you’ve got a perfect fantasy victory.

Championships are obviously great, and wins in week 13 to get into the fantasy postseason come with their own satisfaction. But once you score the perfect fantasy football victory, you become part of the rarest brotherhood in the business. So celebrate! Have a steak and some soda stream! Binge check out the “Rocky” franchise *! You deserve it.

* But for God’s sake, please stop after Rocky IV.

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Whether you’re new to fantasy football or a seasoned professional, our Fantasy Football 101: Strategy Tips and Advice page is for you. You can start by starting your own Fantasy Football League or move on to a more advanced strategy – such as. B. What is the right risk to absorb on Draft Day? – to learn more.

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